It's 7:23 and I'm blogging. most of you know that Ruthie doesn't blog before noon. (FRIENDS groupies, remember this one?--JOEY DOESN'T SHARE FOOD) Yeah, that's me when it comes to mornings. RUTHIE DOESN'T DO MORN...you get the picture. Never, ever been a morning person and I don't think that is likely to change. I sometimes envy people who wake up all peppy and ready to start their day (MOM) I tend to DRRRRAAAAGGGGG my aching bones to the coffee machine that I've preset the night before because it is way too much effort to make coffee in the morning. Pour some coffee, sometimes I actually lay back down but I try not to--that's very dangerous and gotten me into trouble more than once. (Back at Midas in South Dakota we used to call them OH S*#T mornings). I have to drink at least 1 if not 2 cups before I'm fully functioning (DAD) .

Of course, most of you know, I have CHILDREN so that means that not only do I have to wake myself up, I have to beg,plead, bribe, scream, threaten, etc. every morning. Yes, we are definitely Shinns. Kira and Jesse's dad is a morning person (we hated that, sorry Todd, but we did) but they are more like me in the morning and less like him. I wish it weren't true because mornings kill me, just me by myself. So add 2 little tired crankyheads and we have got quite the combo. It's hectic, and I try really hard to be loving and happy so that they can start their day off right. But I'm not perfect and it doesn't always happen that way.

This morning, I am up and blogging and drinking coffee. Normally I would be rushing around getting us all ready to go but the kids are off school for their Christmas break so they stayed overnight with their good friends (and mine) Jayden and Derek (Jonni and Mike's kids). I thought that would make this morning easier for me, so I wouldn't have to get them ready to go anywhere or take them anywhere, they will spend the day with the Snells and then tonight Derek and Jayden will spend the night with us.

Then my wonderful boss told me I could work from home this morning (she drives me to work everyday) and she would pick me up at 11. So I was excited to get to do some work in my pj's this morning, sip my coffee, stress free, no kids, no running around and looking for mittens at the last minute or lecturing about putting things in the same place every night so you always know where it is in the morning....yes, it was going to be a rare and productive morning.

Not so.

I woke up BEFORE my alarm went off, at about 6:20 am. My body ached from my toes to my neck. And when I say ache, I don't mean like take a tylenol and put a cold rag on it kind of ache. I mean excruciating, I could not get myself out of bed, could not walk up the stairs, could not even open the medicine bottle kind of ache. It hurt so bad I actually cried.

I've had 5 children, 4 of which were total natural births, the only crying I did was after they were born and I saw their beautiful faces. I've been a in a few car accidents, again, not much crying. I'm not tooting my own horn, as my dad would say, I'm just trying to give you an idea of what I'm dealing with. I do cry, don't get me wrong LOL, everyone knows that I cry. But I cry over emotional things. Not pain.

I''ve been suffering with degenerative disks for over 10 years now and in the beginning it was manageable and didn't inhibit my lifestyle. That has all changed. I am not the same person, physically, that I used to be. I'm no longer strong, in shape, slim, etc. I have to see a doctor every 2 weeks. I am going to the neurosurgeon on Tuesday. I've been on and through a myriad of medicines, some helped, some didn't, some made my life hell.

I don't want to complain, some of you have heard all of this before. But I was just really, really feeling sad this morning. As I was gripping the hand rail pulling myself up the stairs, grimacing and bursting out little cries with each step, I just couldn't believe it. I saw an image of my grandmother in my mind, her last years when I used to take care of her a lot, she could not walk with out help, couldn't get in and out of bed, so many things had changed for her. She had ALWAYS been a very active woman and after her strokes she lost all of that independence and she was in pain. I thought of her and I was sad that she went through that and glad that she's not going through it anymore.

Then, of course, I worry that I'm heading there quickly. I don't know what's wrong with me today, but it's very painful. This is not the first time it's happened. Doctors have said that it's related to the nerve damage in my neck. My knees feel like they are frozen, my fingers feel stiff and fat but they look normal. I have tingling and numb sensations in my hands, feet, arms and legs. I could go on and on. I won't, that's not the point.

I don't talk about it much, I don't want to seem like I'm looking for sympathy or attention or anything like that. plus, some people just plain don't believe you. Or others want to tell you what you should do about it, not realizing that I've been going through this for a long time and have tried EVERYTHING. (Neurosurgeon, is one I haven't tried, we'll see... ) I know they mean well, but I really don't want to hear it. it's like telling a person with cancer what their options are, you already know the treatments are out there, but that doesn't make the fact that you have the disease any easier. Or take the pain away. So I generally keep it to myself. I hurt everyday, some days more,some days less. I wish it would go away forever.

But this morning was the hardest I've had in a long time. And I think that it was partially the extreme pain, but also the agonizing thought that I am alone. There is no one here to help me up the stairs or open the medicine bottle for me. I know God is with me, and I was crying out to God with each step. But for the first time since Riley and I broke up, I felt the weight of the loss. The loss of our dreams, the loss of our friendship, the loss of just knowing that someone is there and I have help.

I have always projected myself as this strong independent almost fearless woman. That makes me laugh because the opposite is true. Well, not entirely, but kind of. I guess I'm like everyone else, I'm strong sometimes, but I need help sometimes. Sometimes asking for help IS being strong. I am independent, but I like to be needed and I sometimes need someone. I've been fearless, having a child is definitely one of the bravest and riskiest things a person can do, it's so unstructured and there aren't any rule books or clear definitions for parenting. It's like sky diving, you just leap and hope that when you pull the string the chute pops out! That's somewhat fearless, but I am full of fear, I fear that I am screwing up my kids daily! I fear that everyone will see through my facade and discover that I am weak and have faults LOL.

Wow, I am rambling, thanks though, those of you that are "listening" I needed this. I haven't had a harder morning in years. I've lived enough to know that it gets easier, and it gets harder, and it gets easier again. Life goes on and I go on and somehow with God's help we always make it and even manage to smile.

I miss Riley, I'll always care for him. I won't go into all of that, it's too personal, but I just wanted to say it publicly. Too often when people go their separate ways they say a lot of negative about each other. I don't want to do that, I could, but I don't want to. I'd rather remember why we were together in the first place but know that it's just not in God's plan for us to be together. I'll leave it at that. I miss him.

And I miss my family. Boogie, T Ball, if you are reading this, please give your mother a call!! I need you too!! Mandy, you are my BAby girl, sweetie pie. Jellybean, I can't wait to have a good sister session. Scott, remember when I used to sing you to sleep in your crib LMAO!!! (remember when I used to always tell that story after I drank a bottle of wine) You are my favorite little brother, always will be. :)

Lots of love to all my friends out there too, you know who you are!!

ruthie