Freedom

It's been 42 hours since my last cigarette. I am tired of being tied to this awful habit. My kids are tired of it too, so we made a pact, they are going to be extra good for me since I am trying to quit! I'm chewing nicotine gum furiously and praying a lot. Addiction is slavery, anyone who's been addicted to anything knows what I'm talking about. But I'm going to handle this like I'm handling my other addictions, one day at a time. It's a system that works, prayer, support and a sense of humor! I've got a good feeling that I'm gonna do it this time. Woo hoo!

My computer is making me sooo mad...it keeps shutting down on me. I've started this blog once already today, grrrrr.

I think I broke my toe, seriously, it's black and blue and swollen so big it looks hilarious. I must walk like a clown or a cowboy that just got of his horse. How do I always stub my toe? I'm famous for it, and I can't seem to stop doing it. It's so f*#%ing painful you'd think I'd learn. But noooooooo, and I even keep hitting the same toe over and over again. How do I do this???? There is something very wrong with me, I swear.

I got an email from my cousin Dawn and she told me she was elected Homecoming queen at her high school!! I am so happy for her! That young lady has overcome some serious obstacles in her life, she is so strong and insightful. I couldn't be prouder, she's an inspiration. Not only that, it's very unusual for a Native student to be the homecoming queen at that school. I don't even know if it's happened before, if it has it's not been very many times. It certainly never happened when I was in school...back then the natives were treated so badly it was sickening. I saw some terrible racism at that school so it is exciting to know that it is changing. How nice to hear some positive news in this world today! Thanks for writing Dawn, you made my day! And congratulations girl, you ROCK!!!!

I was up most of the night, worrying of course. I hate that I do that. My grandma used to do that, it runs in the fam. I used to read the Bible to her, the passage about how God takes care of the birds and the flowers so of course He'll take care of us, and she would nod her head and say "Ya, dat's right". Then we would pray for everyone that she was worried about and I would sing her to sleep. I need a dose of my own medicine. Any volunteers? I go to bed at about 11 p.m. so if you want to come over and read the Bible, pray and sing I'll be more than happy to let you in. I need some sleep....

Hope everyone is warm and happy. Catch ya later, gotta go meet Kira and Jesse on their walk home from school.

cake by friends

Hello everyone!I'm at my friendly neighbors house blogging because my computer won't let me upload photos and I wanted to share some with you all. Her name is Peggy and she is VERY cool. She brought over some "dump cake" which I've had before but hers is by far the very best that I've ever had. Diet starts tomorrow (I say that every day).Anyway, love u all, here's some pics, ENJOY! and stay warm....

Separate Roads

My dear friend Richard passed away. I'm so broken hearted I cried most of the day yesterday. He was such a wonderful soul. My kids really liked him too and I hated to tell them. It's so unexpected, you know? Just like when my Dad went, I was in such shock. Richard was not doing so great physically but he seemed to be getting better all the time. And his spirit was so vibrant that I never dreamed that it was his time to go. I will miss his mischievous smile and our long talks. He had good taste in music, the same as my dad, so I hope they meet up in heaven and Richard can tell him how I'm doing. Rest well, my friend, rest well. I'll see you someday. Thanks for being my friend.

I'm crying again so I'll write more another time. Just remember, we never know when it's the last time we're going to see someone so be kind, always be kind.

peace--ruthie

No title, just words

I woke this morning in one of those stupors where I don't know where I am or how I got there. Ever do that? It usually comes when I'm waking out of a very, very deep sleep. So I woke slowly, rubbing my eyes and looking around and I realized I was in my sons bed. It all came back to me. I took a very hot, glorious bath last night, I've never had a better one in my life. Out bath tub is nice and big so after I bathed my kids I looked at the tub and thought, why not? So I filled it to the top with steaming clean water and some bubbles and climbed in. Aaaaaahhhhhhh. I don't even know how long I was in there but it was beautiful. When I eventually climbed out my kids were already in bed (they rarely do that on their own, must have gotten tired of waiting for me). So I cuddled with my daughter for a minute, stroked her hair and told her how much I love her and sweet dreams and all that. Then I climbed in with my son and told him the same thing. I think. I don't know for sure at that point because that's when I fell asleep. I slept very soundly because I never woke once all night and realized I was in the wrong room. Anyway, when I climbed out of Jesse's bed to make some coffee I had to laugh because all the lights in the house were still on. Wow, some bath huh? I should do that every night. But I'll have to make sure I turn off all the lights first, or I'll never be able to pay the bill.

How sad about Heath Ledger. I've had a terrible crush on him ever since Knights Tale. I saw Candy last month. Horribly real movie. If you've never seen it, you should. Warning, it's dark. I will miss seeing him in movies.

Counting down the days until spring......Kira and Jesse are loving their new school. They are both almost as tall as me and can even pick me up. lol. They delight me daily with their insights. Jesse has a 4th grade girl checking him out. But he doesn't like to talk about it. I'm impressed that he even told me but I think he's sorry he did cause now I keep asking him questions and he says MOOOOOOOOMMMMM. Kira giggles away and states she hates boys. Good.

Please write everyone, this is my lifeline at the moment!

Where the sun don't shine

If my typing is bad, it's because of these *&#$ nails I got a few weeks ago. I love how they look, but I can't type worth a crap with them. Oh well, beauty has its price. What I hate is it makes me look like a bad speller, which I most definitely AM NOT.

I was thinking about that saying, "Stick it where the sun don't shine" (Ya, I think about stupid weird things a lot) and it occurred to me that the sun don't shine in Alaska. So when you tell somebody to stick it WTSDS you could actually mean HERE. Or maybe Alaska in the winter is equivalent to other places where the sun don't shine. YOu know what I mean, right? When it is cold and dark in the middle of January that is exactly what I think. I am stuck in a giant ASSHOLE and I want to GET OUT.

Seasonal Affective Disorder, that's what they call it. I say we call it Stuck where the sun dont shine disorder. Yeah.

I'm out of smokes, had to smoke a snipe to start my day, hence the anger.
Do you all blog everyday? Or just when the mood strikes you? Do your friends read your blogs? Or is it more journalistic than anything? I'd love to stay and chat but I've got a nicotine habit to support. N' ts'edi da (I think thats how its spelled)

Nothing it to it...you just wiggle round

That's what my dad said when he was dancing at my little sisters prom. At the high school junior/senior prom they allow the parents to show up for the crowning of the prom king and queen. So a bunch of unwanted dorky parents show up to snap photos of their beloved children in all of their finery. I, being the big sister, was allowed to come along to ooooh and awww over the beautiful young princes and princesses, tuxedos, suits, ties, formal gowns, cocktail dresses, fashion at its finest in our one horse town. Then there was dad. Dad, dad, dad. He always had his own way of dressing as it was. "Western wear" is what he called it. And I suppose that's exactly what it was since we live in the westernmost state of the 50 (or is Hawaii farthest west?? not sure). Anyway, we are on the western side so we don western wear, correct? Dad would show up in his regular baseball cap or some years, his stetson. His blue jeans were a regular as was the button up denim shirt with the white tee underneath. In his later years he stretched his style to include favorite NFL team sweatshirts and tennis shoes. You get the general idea.

Well this was my littlest sister, the baby of the family, her prom night.I believe she was on the court and the vote was in, we were waiting to see if she was the first Shinn girl to be crowned Queen OF ANYTHING. The suspense, aiyiyi. Strangely enough, I don't remember if she won or not. What I do remember is the whole family being there to support her. Her steady boyfriend at the time was her "Prince" And I know WE thought that they were a shoe in to win. I mean, just look at them! Perfectly adorable. That fresh sweet innocence of youth, smells like teen spirit they say. They were the epitimy of teendom and I loved to see it. So did my dad.

They let the parents boogie down for a few short songs after the crowning and then kicked us all the hell out of there so they could get on with the not so innocent stuff of the evening (my parents were in complete denial about the not so innocent stuff, what! their daughter? nevvvveeerrrrr!!!) So we got to watch the middle aged moms and dads swing it and shake it like a salt shaker for the kids to songs that the DJ must have thought were perfect for the old farts. I think it was Twist and Shout by the Beatles and some Led Zeppelin or something like that. My mom, ever the spotlight lover, ran out on the dance floor and starts doing her version of the twist, invisible bath towel in tow. She had her dance steps down, no hesitation or fear. She was always comfortable in the spotlight. She was at her best in front of a microphone, no fears, no worries. My dad, on the other hand, was never comfortable in crowds or especially in front of them. But he was always up for a good time, especially when it came to us kids or the grandbabies. So he got out on the dance floor with my mom and did some sort of rendition of the "Jerk". My parents always managed to acquire an audience whenever they made a public appearance.Us kids, overshadowed by moms and pops popularity, stood reassuringly by and watched the magic that was happening on the dance floor. Decades of living, loving and dancing together unfolded before our eyes. We hadn't really seen our parents dance, ever. But there they were, boogieing with the best of them. And my dad's classis line, " Nothing to it. you just wiggle around a little bit, right?" Had us in stitches. I don't even think he was trying to be funny. He just was. Always.