A Day I Dreamed about

Today I get to go shopping with my oldest daughter. I'm so excited. Why is shopping so exciting? Because this is THE shopping trip for a mother and a daughter. When I was pregnant with Amanda, I dreamed that I would have a girl. A girl with brown curly hair. After that dream I would honestly daydream about this girl. I would imagine taking my little girl around and showing her off (because of course my kids are the smartest and the cutest). After she was born I day dreamed about prom dresses and beauty salons. Mother/daughter bonding stuff. Kind of like fishing for father's and their kids I guess :) Don't get me wrong, I was the queen of outdoor fun when my oldest kids were little. We used to go camping and hiking and boating all the time. But there's still something about buying your first prom dress that is sooooo exciting. And it was, Amanda and Tina and I got to go do that and even though I had no job and I was totally broke I spent all of our money on their prom dresses and accessories. Because that's a once in a lifetime moment and you never get it back.

Well Amanda is long done with proms now. She's in college and has a great job. She has lived on her own since she turned 18. Last Christmas her boyfriend did the unexpected. He popped the question and she said yes! I was so happy for them I cried. Ever since then I've been in shock. My baby girl is getting married. Whoa. I swear I was just daydreaming about showing her off, holding her little hand and walking her around. Fixing her curly hair and dressing her up in cute little outfits. I swear it was just yesterday that I stood by her crib and cried tears of joy because I couldn't believe she was mine (my husband at the time used to think I was so weird). It seems I blinked and she was a teenager all of a sudden, then I blinked again and now she's getting married. No more blinking...

I'm crying as I write this but maybe it's good to just get it out of the way. It'll be hard not to cry today. Today we are shopping for THE dress. The wedding dress. It's going to be so fun. I didn't realize how emotional I would feel. I'm very happy about them getting married. But today marks another passage in life. She doesn't belong to me anymore. She's her own person and she makes her own decisions and lives her own life. I don't have any say. This might be the last thing I get any say in! (I hope not, I hope she lets me help her with her kids!) Yes, today is a very special occasion and I'm not going to blink the entire day.

By the way, I'm still showing her off. I couldn't be prouder of the young woman she's become. I brag about her all the time. I just know I'll be beaming as she tries on dresses (and holding back tears) because she's so beautiful. My baby girl is getting married and I'll do anything to make sure she has the best wedding she could possibly have, just like that prom so long ago. Well, now she has her own money so I don't have to break the bank and not pay the rent LOL. Anyway, I better get going, I've got a great day ahead of me. I'll to let you know how it went!

shooting baskets, playing hopscotch

Since I have soooo many readers I thought I better check in. I'm at home today and miserable. I've had this terrible flu or something that makes me super super burning up hot and then I'm freezing and shivering. Back and forth, over and over. The funny thing is the first day it was happening I thought I was having a lot of hot flashes! Then I realized that there's no way I could be having a hot flash every other minute and they've never left me shivering either. So needless to say I went home early yesterday and had to stay home to day. I HATE it because I love my job and I love to be productive and busy. This laying on the couch and watching movies is so lame.

I've realized after some research that I am in fact approaching middle age. Well, I'm done approaching it, I'm pretty much in it. Yes, I will be a middle aged woman in all aspects of the phrase, physically, chronologically, etc. My body is doing weird things and I DON'T like it. I actually cried today when it hit me why I was having all these symptoms. Like a big sobbing with tears cry.

It's not that I feel old necessarily. I'm happy with my life, some regrets but I've learned from them and I feel good about things now. I don't feel like everything's all over with. Quite the contrary, I feel like things are just beginning. Like I'm going to discover new things and this phase of my life will be the most enjoyable. No, I'm not feeling doom.

I guess it's just the REALITY of the physical changes. They point the imminent future. I watched my grandparents age and slowly disintegrate and while it doesn't frighten me, I'm not looking forward to it that's for sure. Senility, lack of mobility, losing strength, brittle bones, sickness. I've seen them go through periods of all of those and I know that if I live to be old that I too will experience at least some of it. The changes that are taking place in me now make me sharply aware of time gone by. It makes me want to hurry up and do the things I always wanted to do but haven't done. I want to do the things I used to do but stopped doing for whatever reason. When I run now it hurts, I want that to go away. When I sleep I wake up in pain, arthritic and stiff. These things shout to me LIVE YOUR LIFE TO THE FULLEST. GO OUT AND ENJOY IT ALL BECAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW WHEN IT MIGHT BE DONE. I watch my kids and I hope that they see me healthy, strong, independent. I strive for it.

Heavy thinking, I guess when you have a virus it makes you realize how little control we really have over anything. The sun is shining today. When I get better I'm going to go to the park with Kira and Jesse and shoot some baskets and play hopscotch. :)