shooting baskets, playing hopscotch

Since I have soooo many readers I thought I better check in. I'm at home today and miserable. I've had this terrible flu or something that makes me super super burning up hot and then I'm freezing and shivering. Back and forth, over and over. The funny thing is the first day it was happening I thought I was having a lot of hot flashes! Then I realized that there's no way I could be having a hot flash every other minute and they've never left me shivering either. So needless to say I went home early yesterday and had to stay home to day. I HATE it because I love my job and I love to be productive and busy. This laying on the couch and watching movies is so lame.

I've realized after some research that I am in fact approaching middle age. Well, I'm done approaching it, I'm pretty much in it. Yes, I will be a middle aged woman in all aspects of the phrase, physically, chronologically, etc. My body is doing weird things and I DON'T like it. I actually cried today when it hit me why I was having all these symptoms. Like a big sobbing with tears cry.

It's not that I feel old necessarily. I'm happy with my life, some regrets but I've learned from them and I feel good about things now. I don't feel like everything's all over with. Quite the contrary, I feel like things are just beginning. Like I'm going to discover new things and this phase of my life will be the most enjoyable. No, I'm not feeling doom.

I guess it's just the REALITY of the physical changes. They point the imminent future. I watched my grandparents age and slowly disintegrate and while it doesn't frighten me, I'm not looking forward to it that's for sure. Senility, lack of mobility, losing strength, brittle bones, sickness. I've seen them go through periods of all of those and I know that if I live to be old that I too will experience at least some of it. The changes that are taking place in me now make me sharply aware of time gone by. It makes me want to hurry up and do the things I always wanted to do but haven't done. I want to do the things I used to do but stopped doing for whatever reason. When I run now it hurts, I want that to go away. When I sleep I wake up in pain, arthritic and stiff. These things shout to me LIVE YOUR LIFE TO THE FULLEST. GO OUT AND ENJOY IT ALL BECAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW WHEN IT MIGHT BE DONE. I watch my kids and I hope that they see me healthy, strong, independent. I strive for it.

Heavy thinking, I guess when you have a virus it makes you realize how little control we really have over anything. The sun is shining today. When I get better I'm going to go to the park with Kira and Jesse and shoot some baskets and play hopscotch. :)